Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Uncompromising Positions

What do you do with three pillows under your hips, a full bladder, a cramped neck, your knees in your ears, and a husband telling you "the instructions say you gotta stay like that for at least an hour"??

You blog...

You blog about how awful it is...

And, you frown at how awful your feet look because you haven't gotten them done since September (don't judge me), and you swear that you'll be the first one in the nail salon on Saturday morning.

Then... You realize (again) how badly you have to pee and know that in two days, when you have to do this again, you won't drink anything after 4pm.

You ask yourself (and God) why your husband wasn't made a woman and you a man so that you could be the one walking around, using the bathroom, and watching a movie while his bladder explodes and he stares at his knees and (jacked up) feet.

You constantly inquire about the time and wonder how an hour can last SO long and then you think of all the good sleep you're missing and how tired you'll be in the morning.

Then finally... You make the executive decision that you will defy the instructions and got to use the bathroom because (doggon' it) you've got three more fertile days and an ovulation day left!

-getting up to use the bathroom-

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Conception Instructions

My cousin, who has two of the cutest girls ever, forwarded me conception instructions. It seems like every time Z and I get instructions on conception, those instructions get more and more technical. It is seriously like running a company that has set extremely specific financial goals. Thank goodness we both have a few business classes under our belts from changing our majors and minors in college so many times.

These new instructions not only tell us on which days we should get grooving... but they also tell us the time of day (yes, because on day 15 you should have sex in the morning instead of the night like you were supposed to do on the 13th).

I am in the process of using a calculator to determine which day and what time... yes! a freakin' CALCULATOR!!!

Sooo... these are the short of the instructions...

1. engage in love making the way you normally would
2. fold a pillow in half and prop it under the woman's butt
3. engage in intercourse
4. Man... before you release, get as close to the cervix as you can and hold there
5. Man... once you release (staying close to the cervix), withdraw immediately
6. Woman... immediately pull your knees to your chest and lay on your back for an hour

Yes, an hour... on my back... I'll have a hard time laying there 20 minutes because I'll either have to use the bathroom or get a snack. We practically have to build a "conception" conception board for this! This is freakin' baby making acrobatics! But you know what??? We're all about it.

With all the gadgets and things we got going on this time around, somethings gotta happen... if not conception, maybe a broken hip? We'll see!

Monday, March 8, 2010

Playing Games

This past cycle, we made sure to follow whatever baby making methods we learned from reading books and articles and other miscellaneous pregnancy tricks. And for whatever reason, Zack was focused on tracking and making notes about my cycle almost every single day... Well, maybe not everyday but it sure felt that way.

Anyway, around the third of the month, he calls me at work to ask if my period had started. I say that it hadn't and I could feel his excitement through his text message.

I come home, and because of our cable being out, we actually sat in the bed and read books. Yes, it was slightly torturous. Just kidding! It was actually really nice with him reading the Bible and me browsing info in a book about getting pregnant. I actually learned some neat info... None of which I can remember now.

While lying on the bed, Zack reaches over and starts talking to my stomach and telling me that I need to start eating right because I'm carrying our child (he also says something about vitamins but I tuned that out). He put his hand on my stomach and projected his regular positivity. He's like "I can feel it! We're pregnant."

I don't get my hopes up. Why? Because it is much easier to expect the worst and get the best than the other way around... That's just me.

Well, eventually (around 8:30) we go to sleep.

The next morning, I find myself reaching for the tampons because my egg has somehow found a way to escape my uterus. These eggs have literally got to be dodging a fleet of sperm! It's like my eggs and his spem are playing hide and seek... and my eggs are winning. I've always been super competitive, so why shouldn't my eggs be the same?