Lizard in the House

Scene: I am in the kitchen finishing dinner. Zack is on the sofa in the livingroom holding the baby. Our kitchen and livingroom are one big room separated by a short wall. The loveseat is by the back window and not too far from the back door. The stairs are located directly in front of the back door. I keep a pair of sneakers and flip flops at the bottom of the stairs.


I look toward the back door (about seven feet from the sofa) and see something long and gray scamper across the floor. I freak out. This is how it went.

Me: (climbing onto kitchen counter) Zack!!! Zack!!! Something just ran toward the loveseat!!!
Zack: (slowly reacting) what?
Me: Something just ran across the floor toward the loveseat!!!
Zack: (turning toward loveseat without urgency) What are you talking about?
Me: (fully on countertop now) Zack... Something... Just... Ran... toward... the window and loveseat!!! Like a lizard.
Zack: (still looking at loveseat) A lizard?
Me: Zack! Put the baby in the pack n' play, and go to the freaking loveseat! There is a lizard in the house!
Zack: (Getting up slowly and looking at the floor)
Me: Put the baby in the pack n' play now, and get the lizard!
Zack: (puts baby in pack n' play and goes in the kitchen to get the broom). Steph, where's the broom?!
Me: (death stare on back door and loveseat) where it always is! by the fridge!
Zack: (goes to back door with broom) I'll sweep him out the door.
Me: No! You won't!!! We have a baby in the house! You better kill him!
*The lizard, all 9 inches of him, runs towards the back door.
Zack: (screams and attempts to jump on lizard)
*There was a bunch of broom banging, jumping up and down, and stomping.
Me: (still on counter) Did you get it?!?!?!
Zack: I think so.
Me: Well, you need to be sure! Do you see it?! Where is it?
Zack: (Broom in hand) Its on your shoe. I definitely hurt him because there is blood on your shoe. I don't know if he's gonna die though.
Me: (unconcerned about the shoe and still on the counter)
Zack: I'm gonna sweep him out the door. (sweeps shoe and lizard out the door)
Me: (climbing down off the counter) Check and see if there are any more in the house! I swear I saw one go behind the loveseat!
Zack: I got him.
Me: Did you hear me?! I saw one go behind the loveseat... unless that was the same one... but there might be two! (climbing back onto counter)
Zack: (Searching the living room floor) Steph, I don't see anything else.
Me: (climbing off the counter again) Ok. I just don't want to look down at Charlie playing on the floor and see him playing with a lizard.
Zack: Charlie would probably try to put it in his mouth like he does everything else!



Ever since this incident, I have been paranoid that every little sound and movement is a lizard. I was sweeping the bottom of the pantry and out came something that I swore was a broken off lizard tail. I nearly broke my neck trying to run back onto the counter. It was just a little leaf thing from outside though.