Roid Rage

When you think about getting pregnant, no one ever tells you about all the horrendous symptoms. They focus exclusively on the part where you have a gorgeous baby in your arms... The end result.

I can't really complain about my symptoms of pregnancy or the fact that no one warned me about them because I believe that many of the few symptoms I experience are due to my body shape like the pain the surrounded my entire torso as my baby turned around from head down to head up and vice versa. However, there are some symptoms that are common to all women that no one really warned me about like leg cramps in the middle of the night.

Well, I will tell you. The greatest and most fiercest (in my opinion) of these secret symptoms are hemorrhoids.

Mine (yes, I will claim and own them) began as little painless, harmless visitors. I literally had them for a week and couldn't even tell. I went about my normal, happy, "I could run a mile" pregnancy, and then it all changed.

We went to our 9 month doctors visit, and I mentioned these little things to my doctor for the simple vanity of it all. I told him that they didn't bother me but that I didn't want them there. I explained how I've been more regular since becoming pregnant and he gave me a thumbs up and a nod. When I was done talking, he looked at me very matter-of-fact and stated, "Well, there is nothing you can do about them, and they'll get worse as your pregnancy progresses and with birth." I assumed he was talking about the way they looked.

*sigh*

That evening I come home and it was as though the doctor had given my Roids the thumbs up to act a fool!!! In rolled he swelling and the PAIN. Now, please remember that I can't sleep on my stomach, and sleeping on my sides can get really uncomfortable. Moving in any way, form, or fashion brings on the feeling that Jason has taken a hatchet to my backside. They are so significant that I have decided to name them; they shall be called Brutus... As in the same Brutus who was a friend to Caesar but later betrayed him.

I feel totally betrayed because no one even warned me! I've had women make ambiguous statements like, "Make sure you keep those ice packs the give you at the hospital." Those women didn't mention that those ice packs could be used to soothe the beast that is Brutus!

Oh well... It is what it is, and I'll have to deal. I'm sure I'll be like all the other moms and get complete, selective amnesia when I've got this little baby in my arms. Thank goodness for this blog to help me remember that Brutus was so awful that I stayed up for an hour in the middle of the night just to write about it.